How to run a rally.
"The best rally ever."
"The most fun I have had with my clothes on."
"I would be really happy if Norwich were as good as this rally."
"That Dan is just a really funny bloke"
Just some of the comments made about the Hull "fish and ships" rally
in feb '98. What did we do to make it so good you may be asking.
Well I will tell you.
The key to any good rally is just organisation. What you need to do
is find 1 or 2 people who are prepared to do all the work and then
leave them to it. This leaves you with plenty of time to drink while
they worry. Although this may sound mercenery it is a recognised
fact that some people love to worry so why should you do it as well?
This of course should take place as early as possible, maybe even a
week before the event to give the women plenty of time to do the
shopping.
The next thing on the agenda should be finding and then
booking a site. Preferably this will be in the middle of nowhere so
the route is really complicated, this has a double effect of getting
everyone lost so they turn up late and hungry and it makes them put
up the tents in the dark (and hopefully rain). This is a very
important point, on no account let them sleep indoors this is a
privilege for staff only. Once the mugs have arrived start serving
the soup and dont stop till late on the sunday afternoon. People may
say they dont want any but they are lying, everybody loves soup!
This again has two effects, firstly it takes away the taste of the
lager that some people still claim "tastes nice", this is wrong and
needs to be wiped out. I am sorry but drinking lager when there is
bitter avaliable is like watching Bradford when Watford are playing.
Anyway sorry about that, the second effect is that noone wants to
eat anything else you have cooked for the rest of the weekend and
you can save a fortune.
This brings me on to food, some simple rules to follow here
- Buy the food as early as possible then you cant be sure you wont
get to the shops and they have run out. Dont listen to those who say
"bread will go mouldy in two months" they are just trying to cause
problems. If they persist eat them.
- Secondly and more importantly
NO TOMATOES FOR BREAKFAST, no one actually likes then and they look
disgusting. A poll taken at our rally showed that 62% of people
would rather eat pot noodles than have tomatoes. Then again 97%
thought that Leonardo DiCaprio is better looking than me so you can't
always trust polls.
- The next point is the packed lunch. White
proccessed bread only. This is the class stuff, no more needs to be
said.
Realistically whatever you try and have for evening meals
doesn't matter, it will look and taste the same regardless and
everyone will complain except for one bloke who will have 10 plates
and end up with food posioning, but what the hell he was probably
from Manchester University.
Some people always forget their plates
you can prepare for this by taking some useful phrases like
"bugger off" and "its not my fault you idiot", diplomacy like this
will often defuse a tense situation. Don't worry if people are still
hungry after the meals as most will just go to McDonalds in town.
Activities.
These are possibly the most important part of the event
and should be planned literally hours in advance. On the Saturday
morning a wide game of some description should be run. This will
involve map reading, running, tying knots, building cars out of wood
and string and other scouting activities to show we have not
forgotten how to do them.
For the Saturday afternoon organise lots
of exciting trips and activities (that is book them so you can get
in) and then despair as everyone goes on a pub crawl.
The Sunday is
a very strange event. At no other point in human development have
people actually wanted to be humiliated by their inability to play
silly games. Well if that is want they want that is what they get.
The games themselves are irrelevant as long as they involve water,
sponges (preferably mud and bikinis) and flour, you can't go wrong.
All that is left then is to organise the campfire which should
ideally be taller than those building it and last all night.
Well that is about it if you follow the simple step by step guide
below maybe your rally can be as good as ours.
STEP ONE - Elect a commitee to do all the work
STEP TWO - Bug them at regular intervals to be sure everything is Ok
STEP THREE - Kiss and hold her tightly
STEP FOUR - At the rally be the one everyone likes. i.e don't say no to anything (get others to do it)
STEP FIVE - Take all the credit by running the closing ceremony and giving out all the prizes
STEP SIX - start emails and rumours anonymously saying how good it was. If anyone complains compare it to a really bad rally
Dan Tozer
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